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The Difference Between a Mentor and a Coach (and a Therapist and Spiritual Director) and Why You Need One

The Blue Brothers may not have said it first, but they certainly said it best: Everybody needs somebody. For the leader, this is especially true. The loneliness and difficulties inherent in ministry can lead us further and further into isolation. And for those of us in pastoral leadership, the anxiety, depression and poor decisions that can be brought on by isolation mean we should avoid isolation at all costs. 

So, you need someone, but who?

There are four main options for leaders seeking to connect with someone who can help them in leadership and ministry.

The first is a mentor. A mentor is one who gives you the benefit of his or her experience and learning. You ask them questions and they tell you theiranswers. Like a mother or father-figure, they invest in you by giving you their time and their stories. The expertise in the relationship lies with them as does, by and large, the agenda. They have some lessons they think you will benefit from learning. The problem is, mentors are few and far between- if you want one, you’ll need to pursue him or her. Find someone whose life and ministry you admire and want to emulate, and then ask them for some of their time. Don’t be surprised if they say no- if you see value in having some of their time, chances are others do too. You may have to ask more than once. 

The second is a coach. A coach is vastly different than a mentor. While a mentor tells you their stories and comes to the relationship with their own agenda, a coach flips that and works completely on your agenda. Their concern is in asking what your goals are, and then asking good, open-ended questions which will help you figure out how you are going to get there. Good coaches ask rather than tell. The expertise in the relationship lies with you, the client, and your agenda- you are the only one who knows where you want to go, and what you’ll have to do to get there. The coach is merely there to help you figure it out. The good news is there’s an abundance of coaches out there. But since most of them don’t work for free, you’ll have to invest if you want good coaching. And trust me, there’s a difference between good coaching (client-focused, question-based) and poor coaching (coach-focused, with more telling than asking). 

Beyond mentors and coaches, there are therapists and spiritual directors. 

A therapist is someone who listens to your stories and gives you the benefit of their learning. The vast majority of them, working with a cognitive-behavioral orientation, are focused on your current thinking and beliefs that lead to issues and problems in your life. The agenda is set by you, and the problems you’d like help untangling. They ask what you are thinking when you do such and such, or when such and such happens, and then help you adjust that thinking to achieve different outcomes. Good therapists ask good, open-ended questions and spend a lot of time listening, but ultimately the expertise in the relationship lies with them, as they diagnose the thinking errors they are hearing and help you come up with alternate ways of looking at things. While a mentor is (hopefully) a long-range or even life-long relationship, and a coach a mid-range one year to two year relationship, a relationship with a therapist can range from weeks to months to years, depending on the need. There are a lot of therapists out there, but finding one that “fits” can sometime take a couple of tries. 

Lastly, a spiritual director is something of a combination of all three of the above. Like a coach or therapist, the agenda is set by you and what you feel is important to talk about. But like a mentor, they may share the benefits of what they have learned, particularly as it relates to listening to God and living the spiritual life. Their concern is helping you to hear God and figure out what it looks like to respond appropriately. The agenda is ostensibly set by you, but really by God, as He is invited to be at the center of the conversation, directing, nudging, speaking. The expertise in the relationship is spread between you, as you relate what it is you are hearing from God, the spiritual director, as he or she expertly helps you listen and tune your ears to hear the voice of God, and God Himself, as He directs the conversation and relationship in a way which brings formation in your life. 

I was lucky that God brought me into just such a relationship at just the right time. I was about 6 years or so into a church plant and staring down the barrel of burnout. I hadn’t yet fallen off the cliff, but I could see it fast approaching and knew that if I didn’t get some help, I would surely tumble over. I knew of a man in town who had spent years in ministry and after getting his doctorate in spiritual formation had transitioned to being a coach and spiritual director to pastors. So, after seeking him out, I told him over coffee the state my soul was in. 

We talked for awhile that day and I immediately felt encouraged. I was encouraged to know I had an objective listener, one who was willing to listen to me complain about my situation and gently, so gently, push back on the pieces I was maybe fooling myself about. I came back the next month, and in fact nearly every month in the nine years since. It was bracing to find support, counsel, a listening ear, and a wise presence all in one place. He has helped me listen to God, and figure out what I should do in response. What my coach/spiritual director has provided for me has been invaluable, and so certainly worth the roughly $75 a month our church paid to support what he is doing. 

So- back to the beginning. Everybody needs somebody. Most of us need a mentor or a coach. Many of us could use a therapist. Nearly all of us need a spiritual director. 

If you are in the first few years of pastoring, you may think your top need is a mentor- someone to tell you what they did so you can do the same. That’s not going to be as helpful as you believe. Mentors are at their best when they are sharing life lessons with us, not ministry strategies that may or may not translate into our own context. Seek out a coach instead- maybe one who has done something similar to what you are doing, so there can be a bit of mentoring mixed in, but who will ask you the good questions that will help you define your priorities, goals and ways to get there. Church planters especially need coaches, as they often have vague-yet-exciting ideas about what they want to do and create. A coach can help you drill down to nuts and bolts, and see the best way to achieve what you want to achieve.

 Additionally, coaches can help those who have been pastoring for awhile but are beginning to realize that what got them where they are probably won’t take them any further. They know they are facing more complex ministry issues than they have had to in the past, and need someone to help them figure out how to make it all work. A good coach can you unlock your thinking, clarify what’s really important, and see the way forward.

If you are deep in the weeds of ministry, seek out a good mentor or a therapist. A mentor can provide a sympathetic ear (they’ve been there, after all) and let you know how they were able to endure what you going through and answer the questions you are currently facing. Or maybe a therapist if you sense that what you are experiencing is more than simply the rigors of ministry and may, in fact, be depression or higher-than-normal levels of anxiety. A therapist also provides a good listening ear, some concrete solutions and strategies, and truth be told, they’re a lot easier to find than a mentor. 

But wherever you are in ministry, you need a spiritual director- someone to help you hear the voice of God over the din of ministry. A spiritual director can come in many shapes- maybe another pastor who will be a sounding board and who will commit to helping you discern how God is speaking in your life. Or maybe someone who works formally as a director and has training. 

It’s possible to find someone who will combine the best aspects of mentoring, coaching and spiritual direction. Someone who’s been-there-and-done-that when it comes to your stage in life and stage in ministry, someone who’s trained as a coach and knows the coaching process, but also is keenly aware that they best thing they can do, even more than helping you figure out your own goals and how to reach them,  is help you listen for the voice of God and figure out how to respond appropriately. 

But whoever you find, I would urge you to find someone. Loneliness is rampant in ministry, and between the increasing number of people being trained as coaches and spiritual directors, in addition to technologies like Skype or FaceTime, there’s just no reason why everybody can’t have somebody. 

(Interested in finding out more about coaching? Click here.)

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Leaders Profile

Ryan Braught is the founding pastor/church planter with the Veritas Community in Lancaster, PA. We had a few questions for him!

How would you describe the area your church is in?

Veritas is based in the city of Lancaster, a city that is growing.

How would you describe the journey of pastoring Veritas? What have been some of the milestones/different seasons?

One of biggest milestones over the last almost ten years, both for myself but also for the community was my sabbatical in the summer of 2017. It helped me rest, rejuvenate, and reconnect with God and family. But more than just what it did for me, I believe it truly grew our community- People saying “this is our community,” people taking ownership, stepping into leadership roles, and become active participants in the mission and ministry of Veritas. Another milestone or series of milestones relates to our connection with our denomination (the Church of the Brethren). They have a process of planting where plants start as a project, move to fellowship status, and then become a full congregation. We have been able to walk through this process becoming a fellowship in 2016 and this summer will become a full-fledged congregation within the Church of the Brethren.

Looking back, what do you know now you wish you had known when you first started Veritas?

Just the amount of turnover that happens each year, especially as we have connected with a younger generation. And to look at that turnover as a blessing- that we get to disciple them for a season, then send people to other places around the country and the world, and commission them as missionaries from Veritas. Also something that i wish I had known is just how slow missional church and missional church planting can be. And how much patience I need to trust Jesus, rely on him, and really lean into the belief that He grows the church- and not succumb to the latest church growth fad to try to numerically grow the church.

As you think about what you’ve been able to do so far in ministry there what are some things you have done/tried that have worked well?

I believe there are three different parts to our ministry that have worked well. First, I believe our engagement with the arts community within Lancaster has been going very well. We have been able to connect with many different artists and are building a reputation within Lancaster. We have been doing a lot of social justice/awareness shows and been able to bless many artists and get behind their work. One of the neatest things related to this- is asking the artist that we feature each month to come to our worship gathering for a 5-10 minute Q&A and have them share about their work, and allow them to find a supportive faith community that is interested in their work and wants to encourage and bless them. I believe the second thing that has gone well for Veritas is related to the development of the community within Veritas. We have a tight-knit community and we have built it through many different ways- including our Veritas community What’s App, something called Conversation Project (where we do some intentional relationship building by pairing people from the community together, get them to meet up, and have them talk through questions and get to know each other), and just regular engagement with each other outside the “confines” of Sunday morning. Thirdly, I think our value of participation has been hugely beneficial to our community- in regards to building relationships with each other, but also in relation to discipleship. This value of participation while multifaceted, has led us to have interactive discussion as part of our sermon- where people dialogue around tables during and after the message, and to talk about how they will seek to apply and live out what we are talking about each worship gathering. The value of participation has also led to the creation of a teaching team, which includes myself, but also a few others- who help develop the teaching series, and also take turns in preaching and teaching throughout the year.

What hasn’t worked so well? What have you had to rethink/reimagine/rework?

One of the things we struggle with is the role of Children within the life of the community. Do we provide a nursery and children’s ministry and have the separated from the community for the entire worship time? Do we provide a nursery only? Do we provide a nursery and children’s ministry for part of the worship gathering? Do we act more as family- and assume infants and children will be in the service for the entire time? Or a hybrid of some of these? This is something that we struggle with- especially with not really having any children for children’s ministry (but having a growing number of young babies/infants/toddlers). We are in the process of also rethinking and reworking our leadership structure and how to develop a leadership pipeline, that grows and develops leaders, gives them the permission to begin and develop ministries, and develop leadership team and ministry team structures that fit our community (our vision, values, etc.).

What is one failure you experienced and what did you learn from it?

The day after Easter in 2018 I hurriedly set up a ladder against my garage, and hurried up the ladder to clean out a gutter. The ladder slid out from the garage and I came down with it, landing on my driveway and fracturing my wrist. You might ask what does this have to do with the church and ministry? This failure- 1. to take my time. and 2. Having someone holding the ladder, taught me those 2 valuable lessons in church and ministry.

First, in ministry I need to take time and not hurry though things. Planning events, preaching, visiting people, etc… takes time and I need to not hurry through those things and move on, “to more important things”. In planning events, I need to be diligent about the details (something that I struggle with), writing out the to-do list, and steps to making the event a “success”.

Secondly, I can’t do it alone. If I try, I will experience a fall. I desperately need others- both within my church and outside my church. I need a team of leaders within my church- those having different gifts and passions than I do- in order to make the church function as it is supposed to- as a body. If I try to function alone- the body is broken (just like my wrist was). I also need others outside my community who can pray with me, walk with me, and support me (as I also support, pray, and walk with them).

What is something you’ve been hearing from or learning from God in this last season of leading?

I feel that God is speaking to me about what leadership-like-Jesus truly looks like: a dying to the self, washing the feet of others, servant leadership. This is not an easy process- and I have to continually ask God to help me lead like Jesus- which means not always going in the direction that I think we should go in, not making all the decisions, trusting the leadership of others, and seeking to build consensus.

What do you dream/hope/pray Veritas looks like in five years?

My hope and dream for Veritas is that in five years we will be looking at planting a church out of Veritas. I also hope and dream that our church would be a strong family who are pursuing Jesus together, and following Him into the world and being about His mission.






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10 Practical Ways to Cultivate Trust With Your Leadership Team

The fundamental role of a leader is to build trust, bear pain and give hope.

Ultimately, all leadership flows from these three streams.

This week I was reminded once again of the crucial and irreplaceable stream of trust. It is the least common denominator in all leadership contexts, the fuel by which the leadership car moves. It is impossible to lead effectively over the long haul absent of trust. In Patrick Lencioni’s helpful book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, he lists the major destructive factors among team dynamics: fear of conflict, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability and inattention to results. But the keystone trait that undergirds all the others is the absence of trust. As one of my doctoral professors recently said, “The absence of trust is ultimately the absence of grace.” Conversely speaking then, building and deepening trust is the single greatest thing leaders must cultivate within and among their team in order to be healthy, fruitful and effective.

Albert Winseman, in his book Growing An Engaged Church, wrote that every person who walks into your church is asking two questions: Am I valued? and Do I have something to contribute? These questions get to the heart of the matter. Yet, I would offer that these are not just questions asked by churchgoers; they are also asked by any person who serves on any team in any capacity.

I don’t think anyone would argue with what I’ve offered thus far. Every well-meaning leader I’ve met believes trust is important. And every leader I’ve talked to wants people to feel valued and to allow space for collaboration, participation and contribution with their team. However, you may be thinking: Yes but how? Practically speaking, how am I to go about deepening trust with my team?

With Lencioni’s book in one hand and Winseman’s book in the other, it’s important for leaders to drill down further and consider how we can cultivate health in specific and practical ways, first by self-assessment. I offer the following ten elements – and questions – for self-evaluation.  

  • Value and love: how do I treat the people on my team (i.e. my words, posture, presence, tone, affirmation, etc.)? Is it a judgement-free zone? Which is more important to me: healthy relationships or accomplishing more? Are our team meetings and interactions safe spaces for people to really share what they are thinking and feeling?
  • Participation: how much do I actually empower and include our team on decisions being made? Am I collaborating or simply informing them of decisions already made?  
  • Congruence: how much do my words match my actions? Where might I be out of alignment? How would I even know?
  • Consistency: is there evidence of results in my leadership over an extended period of time? Do people have confidence in my ability to lead?
  • Self-differentiation: How much of my identity is wrapped up in me being the leader? Being a “successful” leader? Ultimately, which direction are the arrows pointing: toward me, toward our team or toward our mission?
How much of my identity is wrapped up in me being the leader? Ultimately, which direction are the arrows pointing: toward me, toward our team or toward our mission? Click To Tweet
  • Vulnerability: how vulnerable have I been (and how vulnerable am I willing to be) in order to model what a safe space looks like on the team? When others are vulnerable how have I responded? Am I capable of readily admitting “I don’t know” and verbalizing phrases such as “I’m sorry”?
  • Failure: How do I respond to risks and failures, individually and as a team? How much does it define who I am as a leader or who we are as a team?
  • Truth-telling: How am I at telling the truth – and embracing it – even if it stings? Am I actually telling the whole truth or am I telling the truth, plus or minus ten percent?
  • Unity: how much are we pursuing unity (not uniformity) as a team? Am I willing to let go of my personal preference(s) if it means we will be better off as a team in the long run? Do dissenting voices have a valued role among our team or are they hushed, ignored or swept aside?
  • Clarity: How clear and compelling is our vision, priorities, what we care about? How do we know if we are being clear in our communication?

In closing, I submit these additional questions worthy of reflection for leaders when it comes to deepening trust among our teams:

  • Why should people follow me? What gives me the right to lead others?
  • Because I have power, who, in turn, is flourishing?

It takes courage to ask these questions of ourselves about our own leadership; and it requires even more courage to ask others these questions about our leadership. But because trust is so crucial to the process, we can’t afford not to ask them. Ironically, we may find that if we ask these questions of ourselves and others with a humble, inquisitive and courageous tone and posture on a consistent basis, trust among our team will deepen.  

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What I Learned After Almost Pretending to Faint Just to Get Out of Preaching

I remember pretty vividly the morning when, as a 27 year old associate pastor getting ready to preach for the first time in my new church, I briefly contemplated pretending to faint.

Sitting in the front row of the church, I was feeling completely unprepared to speak the Gospel to a group of people I hardly knew, and to a larger crowd than I had ever spoken to before. Sure, I had dealt with nervousness before, but this was definitely a notch up from what I normally felt. Sick to my stomach, head in hands, I thought to myself “If I just fall over to the floor and don’t get up, what will they do? They can’t MAKE me preach… can they?”

Fortunately for everyone involved, that moment passed. I preached that morning and it was fine. Since then, I’ve felt twangs of stage fright occasionally, but thankfully, never to that extent. In fact, over the years, the nervousness has subsided, but it’s mostly what I’ve learned about preaching that has made me increasingly comfortable in the pulpit.

Here’s what I’ve realized.

First, preaching is a marathon, not a sprint. I think we overestimate what can happen to modern audiences in one morning, and completely underestimate what can happen in a community through years of faithful preaching. Ask a regular church goer what the best sermon they ever heard was. Now ask them for their second favorite. Then their third. This is about where things get fuzzy for most people, not because preaching doesn’t matter, but because it does its best work in the aggregate. It’s not what people hear on any given Sunday that is likely to change them, but what they hear in a year of Sundays that is likely to provide a catalyst for change.

It’s not what people hear on any given Sunday that is likely to change them, but what they hear in a year of Sundays that is likely to provide a catalyst for change. Click To Tweet

For the individual preacher on a particular Sunday, that means focusing on the long game. Today is important, just not as important as we are likely to believe. Few people will remember what we preach today, but that doesn’t mean it’s not working- slowly but surely watering the seeds of change that the Holy Spirit is working in the lives of our hearers. This takes a lot of pressure off the time I spend in the pulpit, and puts it were it perhaps better belongs: planning, preparing and preaching. I now focus less on what I am going to say to my community this Sunday, and more on what I sense God wants us to say to the community this season, this year.

Second, I’ve realized it’s not about me. And if it seems like it’s becoming about me, I should change that. The real reason we become nervous is because we’ve become focused on ourselves. Our performance, our image, our job… We want to know we’re liked and are doing a good enough job that someone will keep paying us to do it. Fair enough.

But that’s not what preaching is about and we know it. We just need to remind ourselves that it’s not about us. Unfortunately, a generation of celebrity preachers- funny, charismatic, and engaging- have made us think that maybe it is about us, at least, a little bit. We love to listen to them. We want people to feel about us the way we and countless others feel about them, and hang on our words the way so many hang on theirs.

A generation of celebrity preachers- funny, charismatic, and engaging- have made us think that maybe it is about us, at least, a little bit. Click To Tweet

When I first realized this about myself, I knew I had to get off that particular hamster wheel of approval. I’m a decent preacher, but I’ll never be (fill in your favorite big name preacher here).

And neither will you. The vast majority of us are not called to speak before ever larger crowds, get book deals off our sermon series and get called on to speak at large conferences. We just aren’t. And the quicker we realize that, and let go of the fantasy version of our career trajectory, the quicker we’ll be able to get about being the man or woman God has called us to be in our own individual, mundane contexts, speaking to people who, though they number not in the thousands, still matter immensely to God. When I realize that this sermon I’m about to preach is more about Jesus and the people He loves than it is about what people think of me, about honing my skills, increasing my platform or anything other than cooperating with the Holy Spirit in moving the ball incrementally forward in the lives of the people sitting before me, the pressure falls away. And, if you’ll excuse the mixed metaphor, I don’t need to hit a home run every Sunday. Singles and doubles with the occasional triple are just fine. I just need to keep things moving. No pressure to knock it out of the park.

But even in that, I can feel some pressure, so it’s good that I realized it’s less about what I do or fail to do, and more about what the Spirit chooses to do.

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Preaching for the Nod

Every once in awhile, I find myself preaching for the nod. Do you know what I mean by “preaching for the nod?”

It’s what we do when we want to hard wire a bit of ego-stroke for ourselves into a Sunday morning.

How easy is it, and how often do we insert that small comment, that little aside, or even that main point that we know will appeal to the sensibilities of certain listeners? You know, the left-leaning (or right-leaning) political comment? The doctrinal aside that scratches the itch of that person so prone to give up the “Amen” or the vigorous head nod…

Preaching for the nod has less to do with what we see in the text and more to do with what we want people to see in us… and thus the danger.

The most God-centered, expository sermon or community-centered dialogical discussion could be completely me-centered if my intention in preaching it is to get certain people to give with the “Good words today, Pastor!” If my intention in preaching a message or making a point is to get certain people to see me as sufficiently hip and relevant (or standing against the tide of culture), or progressive (or appropriately conservative), or doctrinally adventurous (or steadfastly orthodox) then I have traded the proclamation of God’s Word to the people for the proclamation of myself to an audience, regardless of how I dress it up.

And all for that little nod…

It’s like a drug. The rush of agreement, of assent, of affirmation. Many of us would sell our souls for it and some of us do.

And the problem is not only how easy it feels, but often how right.

I remember when I pastored in the Netherlands in the late 90’s, one of the big issues in our church community was that the senior pastor didn’t give a “Gospel Invitation” every week as some of the old hands in the church wanted him to. I totally agreed with the pastor that good, text-based and God-centered proclamation was preaching the Gospel, even if there wasn’t an invitation shoe-horned into and behind every message. The thing is, it was easy for me to include that little Gospel invite on those weeks every couple of months when I was preaching. It was a total win-win. I told myself I was preaching the Gospel (a good thing, right?), some of the people got to hear what they wanted and I got affirmation from a notoriously hard-to-please group within our church. Hey, “whether from good motives or bad”, right?

Well… problem was, sermon prep began to be less and less about hearing from God and more about crafting statements of appeasement. It’s not like I didn’t mean those invitations, but… slippery slope indeed.

I pastored a church that did its Sunday gathering in a pub. We saw a different kind of folk than your average 1st Baptist or 2nd Methodist. Burned by “Church”, usually more politically and socially liberal, they often come, just like everyone else evaluating all the words said and sung, looking for reasons why they might or might not “fit” with our community.

And it was so easy to slip from speaking in a way which is accessible to those we are trying to love into community into speaking in a way which is attractive to them. You know, making sure they understand- that yes it’s church, but we’re not like those churches…

We had a broad spectrum of political and religious views in our community- Republicans and Democrats and socialists and libertarians, people who come from evangelical and mainline backgrounds or no church background at all. It’s something I loved about Evergreen. But I found myself, on occasion, throwing in the odd anti-GWBush or Trump comment. Or taking a poke at Joel Osteen. And if I am honest (and I’m trying to be) it was usually more about been seen as progressive, a Christian but not like those Christians… and more and more, I’m seeing just how misguided a thing that is. How cheap and easy it is to “speak prophetically” when you know it’s what certain people love and want to hear.

And if there’s anything I don’t want to be as a pastor, it’s cheap and/or easy.

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One Bi-Vocational Pastor’s Story… and how it could help YOU.

Note: We LOVE to highlight some of the wonderful things that come out of our Network from both pastors and the people in Ecclesia communities. Do you have something you’d like to share with the rest of the Network? Let us know!

Like many of you, I’m a bi-vocational pastor. I have a love/hate relationship with being bi-vocational but we continue to sense that God has called us at New Denver Church to live out our bi-vocational callings. To that point, I’ve been serving at New Denver Church since 2010 in a variety of roles and am the operations and community pastor. I had a great part-time gig at the Denver Art Museum until they laid off staff, me included, due to a three-year renovation. That left me questioning the whole concept of bi-vocationalism in a booming housing market like Denver. How could God call us to live in an expensive city (Kairos Hollywood eye roll here) and be bi-vocational?

I could sit around all day pondering bi-vocationalism but that wasn’t gonna put groceries on the table, so I started a small woodworking business out of my garage workshop that sold several products in the first week. And then, no joke, didn’t sell another single thing for months. So I shut it down. Went back to the drawing board.

In late 2018 I started sensing a need in our local network of churches for an honest, affordable, and hardworking company that would provide business and administrative services for churches and nonprofits. I kept seeing leaders trying to do it all – things they don’t enjoy – and let’s be honest most people don’t enjoy administration!

I started Hopewell and have developed a small team where our mission is to empower church and nonprofit leaders to thrive by providing exceptional business and administrative services. That’s it. It’s nothing fancy. It’s nothing new.

Hopewell is here to serve leaders who are getting eaten up by the administrative side of ministry.

We feel called to do the behind-the-scenes administrative and operations work that you dread. We wake up excited about it. We love systems, spreadsheets, HTML, and emails. We love empowering leaders to thrive.

I still haven’t resolved the bi-vocational tension (personally or organizationally) but the “gig economy” forced me to get creative. And I’m grateful because I think I’ve found a really healthy combination of doing something I love while helping others. (go Google Ikigai sometime)

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