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Disappointment and Christmas

Christmas is nearly here. And with it, for many people, the “Post-Christmas Letdown.”

Some of the strongest memories I have are of the two sides of Christmas- the first side being the anticipation- looking at all the gifts under the tree, wondering what could be in them, sneaking out early on Christmas morning to raid my stocking and shake presents trying to make a mental tally of the heavy ones which probably had something cool in them and the light ones that were more likely to be underwear or socks or something else that was so NOT a Christmas-y gift, but would get wrapped up anyway just to “up” the present count.

I loved it, and even though it was hard when I was younger, as I got older I eventually even learned to love stringing out the anticipation by stringing out the opening of presents. Some years it seemed to last most of the day- none of the everyone-tear-in-and-get-’em-opened-in-15-minutes-or-less stuff. Of course, I could never last quite as long as everyone else. So often, my grandparents would still be opening their last presents after dessert, at 7, 8 o’clock at night, while I just watched.

And that’s the second feeling I remember- not quite as nice as the first. The feeling, when it was all over of.. That’s all? That was pretty cool, but…

Anticipation. Disappointment. And if the disappointment didn’t come right away, it came eventually. As an only child, I almost ALWAYS got what I wanted, and more. But all of those things I was sure would complete me, make me into the kid I dreamed of being… all those things seemed a little less vital, a little more chintzy a day, a week, a month later.

What does that disappointment year after year, when we got what we wanted but then realized it was not quite as meaningful as maybe we thought- what does that tell us?

Something crucial.

There’s a story in the Gospel of Luke where Mary and Joseph take the newborn Jesus to the Temple for dedication. It says

At that time there was a man in Jerusalem named Simeon. He was righteous and devout and was eagerly waiting for the Messiah to come and rescue Israel. The Holy Spirit was upon him  and had revealed to him that he would not die until he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. That day the Spirit led him to the Temple. So when Mary and Joseph came to present the baby Jesus to the Lord as the law required, Simeon was there. He took the child in his arms and praised God, saying,

“Sovereign Lord, now let your servant die in peace,
    as you have promised. -Luke 2:27-29

What would it take to get you to say, “Now, I can die in peace”?

Simeon had been waiting his whole life just to catch a glimpse of the salvation that God was sending- talk about anticipation. And when it came, he knew. He knew- this was it- the real thing.

I have seen your salvation,
which you have prepared for all people.
He is a light to reveal God to the nations,
    and he is the glory of your people Israel!” -Luke 2:30-32

I love that for Simeon, all the waiting, all the anticipation actually paid off. Why? Because he was waiting for the right thing.

All his waiting had led him to Jesus.

For us, at this time of year- disappointment is found mainly in two places- when we don’t get what we want- when things don’t turn out the way we had hoped- and when they do, and we’re still not quite satisfied, not quite happy, not quite filled.

Let me tell you two stories.

My dad died about a few years ago. We had a real rocky history- more of a non-history, really- He just wasn’t around. And he died and I never got what I wanted from him. That had always been a huge disappointment, a source of anger and discontent for me. I needed my dad and my dad was never there.

So, what do you do with something like that? It seems you can either let it make you more and more angry or sad, which will destroy you, especially after any hope that the situation might change is gone. You can just “get over it” which in some ways is to say “pretend it doesn’t bother you.”

Or… you can allow that kind of disappointment to point you towards something better.

Awhile after he died, I was meeting over breakfast with some guys I had breakfast with every couple of weeks, and I found myself feeling the craziest thing: gratitude for my dad. 

We were talking about various things God was doing, pushing or pulling us toward, and one guy was mentioning how grateful he was for having a wonderful dad. He loved his dad and tried to look past the one or two little things that really bothered him about their relationship because he knew his dad cared. But still, there were these one or two things that felt something like a wound…

As we talked about those one or two little things, my only thought, and what came out of my mouth was this: Well, thank God your dad isn’t perfect. Because if he was, you wouldn’t have needed Jesus.

It was a revelation to me when in High School someone told me my view of God was likely very much shaped by my view of my father. While the correlation wasn’t perfect, I could certainly see some of the ways it was true. 

We get angry when our parents fail us, or when our dad isn’t the loving, gracious, patient (fill in the adjective) father we want. We get even more angry when we realize they were meant to be a certain way, draw a certain picture… Our parents, and for the sake of this discussion, our fathers, are meant to point us to another Father.

But here’s the thing: more than meant to- they DO. Even the crappy ones. 

They point us to God in both what they do well and in what they do poorly. They point us to him when they succeed in loving us and when they fail to. 

How? How could they point us to Him even when they fail, when they disappoint us?

Because if they were perfect, did it ALL right, offered us unconditional love that was always patient, always wise, always nurturing and building into us… well, I guess we wouldn’t need God, right?

We’d be satisfied with that guy over there in the Lay-Z-Boy and completely miss the God of the Universe, the God who made us, pursues us, died for us. I had a choice of what to do with the disappointment left by my dad- and here’s what I chose: to be thankful for a dad who didn’t get much right (and that’s probably about the most generous assessment I’ve ever done of his fathering). I’m thankful because though he never pointed me to God intentionally, by his absence and indifference he drove me to lean all the more heavily on the God who is always present and never indifferent- the God who loves me, like the Psalmist says, with an everlasting love. 

I realize that may be an odd way to appreciate my dad, but it’s the truth. The disappointment he left me pointed me to something even better. And if that’s ALL my dad ever did for me, I think it’s enough. 

But sometimes- the problem isn’t that we don’t get what we want. It’s that we do- and it’s still not enough.

A few years ago I was living in the Netherlands, working as an associate pastor- doing mainly youth and worship and I had youth group at my house on Wednesday nights. I’d have 25, 30 kids in my house each Wednesday night, pack the place out, do a lot of crazy stuff, eat, sing, pray- it was a good time. And each week, after everyone would leave, I would spiral into a deep depression- some weeks actually crying. I had a house full of people- a ministry where kids were showing up, connecting to Jesus… and yet after each and every week I would nearly break down.

It took me awhile to figure out why that was. I was really lonely while I was there. I was about 27, 28 and the whole church consisted of people aged 0-18 and late thirties on up. I was in this gap with ten years on either side of me, not married, in a foreign country… and I started to look forward to filling my house with people. Not because I wanted to help these kids know more about Jesus, though I DID want that- but more and more I realized, I wasn’t trying to fill my house, but my soul- something was missing and I was asking these kids to fill in me a social and spiritual need that they just couldn’t. And the real tragedy is, I feel like because of that, I actually missed out on simply enjoying what was. They were great kids, it was a great time of ministry… but I was asking it to do something for me it couldn’t. And it wasn’t until I began to look somewhere besides people for that sense of love and affirmation, that I was even able even to begin to relate to people in the right way.

Our problem isn’t so much that we don’t get what we want- especially around the holidays- we often do! It’s just that we ask those things to do for us what they simply can’t. And so we’re disappointed again, and again, and again. We hope that this year will be different- that the family dinner will be perfect, that the opening of presents will be just so, that everyone will love exactly what we got them, no one will fight… and what we find is that it rarely happens exactly that way and we’re disappointed.

Or worse, it happens exactly that way and still, somehow, it’s not quite enough…

Simeon was satisfied, because he was looking to and for the right thing.

But before you think he was just a wild-eyed dreamer, look again. He was pretty realistic about the trouble this Savior would bring. Look what he said next.

Jesus’ parents were amazed at what was being said about him. Then Simeon blessed them, and he said to Mary, the baby’s mother, “This child is destined to cause many in Israel to fall, and many others to rise. He has been sent as a sign from God, but many will oppose him.  As a result, the deepest thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your very soul.”- Luke 2:33-35

Simeon prophesied that Jesus would have a confrontational effect on the world around Him. He’d cause many to fall, but would be a joy to others. Sent as a sign from God, and yet… opposed. Like so much in life, how Jesus impacts you depends on how you take Him. And as a result of that dynamic, we can say along with Simeon that Jesus reveals the deepest thoughts of our hearts. How?

Just by showing up. Just by being the presence of God to us, the salvation that God has been promising since the beginning. Christmas… Christ, reveals the deepest thoughts of our hearts by breaking into our world and claiming our allegiance. By saying: Here is salvation, and nowhere else. Not in your family, your job or career, your artistic pursuits, not in your 401k. Not in getting what you want, no matter how good what you want may be.

I love that for Simeon, who had waited all his life, Advent was no disappointment. Why? Because it revealed the deepest thoughts, hopes, dreams, and aspirations of his heart. And that heart was set on something real, something deep- something that wouldn’t disappoint. What He was waiting for was Jesus. And Jesus is who showed up.

What’s the deepest part of you? What do you worship? What do you rest all your hopes of happiness and fulfillment on?

Jesus, as the angels sang, the Savior, Christ the LORD, by showing up and claiming our worship, reveals where we place that worship, what our hearts are resting on.

And no matter what it is we put our hearts on, it will always come up short. Just try it. Try looking to your spouse to make you happy. Your kids. Your anything… anything but Him. Whatever it is, no matter how great, just like unwrapping that thing we so thought we wanted, when we actually get it, we find, it doesn’t do quite all we had hoped it would do for us. No- nothing wrong with family, job, career, 401k… But don’t ask it to do for you what only Jesus can.

Satisfy.

Bring lasting peace…. Save you.

Every year we have in Christmas a beautiful reminder: A reminder that God has shown up on the scene, become Immanuel, God With Us, to be our salvation, our peace, our joy. AND a built in-reminder when we stare at the pile of torn wrapping paper and presents we’re thinking about returning… that nothing else can fill that place for us.

So- this year- enjoy Christmas. Enjoy the presents, the family, all the trappings of the Season. There’s nothing wrong with that. But remember- when you inevitably feel a twinge when it’s not exactly like you hoped it would be, when even should you get everything on your list, you find that there’s still something missing, something not quite there… that is, in a sense, Christmas doing its best possible work: Pointing you to your need for something deeper, pointing out where you are putting your hopes for happiness, on people, on presents and things, and pointing you towards something, Someone, that truly can bring peace, Jesus.

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Advent Can Be One of the Hardest Seasons for Pastors…

Advent can be a particularly challenging season for church planters and pastors in younger churches.

I remember the first few years of our church plant, Advent was a season of decreased attendance- most of the people in our church were younger and would either travel to be with family over the holidays or head to church with their parents. Advent always left me wondering where everyone had gone.

As we got older, more and more people began to stick around for the Holidays, and even bring family and friends. That was great, but only increased the pressure we felt to make things special.

Let’s just be frank- Advent can be exhausting. In addition to planning extra events like Christmas parties or serving the poor, Advent means being there first and probably leaving last on Christmas Eve or other special Christmas services.

What for most people is a family celebration is for many pastors an exhausting special event- work.

What all this means is that at Advent, we as ministry leaders need to take special care. Here are three things to be mindful of this season.

  1. Remember to make Advent as special for your own family as you are trying to make it for others’- Not to add more pressure at what is already a pressure-filled time, but your family needs you to be mom or dad, not pastor or ministry leader. They understand you have a job that often means working when others are at home, celebrating, but rather than ask them to just accept this, do your best to simply shift those special times to earlier in the day or in some other way acknowledge their sacrifice of time with you by doing something else special for or with them.
  • Take some extra time off- you’ve earned it. The folks that serve you the coffee you get or sell you those last-minute gifts on Christmas Eve probably get time and half for working on holidays. Sadly, this is a convention that has never really made its way into churches! Probably the best we’re going to be able to do is take advantage of the greater flexibility we have with our time. That means taking some “comp” time after Christmas to be with your family. Ministry can wait- show your family they matter by being extra-present after big events like Christmas Eve that pull you away from them.
  • Most importantly- Don’t forget to connect with the Jesus you are trying so hard to point others to. Though it’s cliché to say it- remember the reason for the Advent season. We consistently remind people not to get caught up with the business of the season and then promptly ignore our own warnings. Do whatever you need to do this year to stay focused on your relationship with God, and the worship of Jesus. Don’t let pastoring others and planning church services for them mean that your soul is neglected.

Have a blessed Advent this year that does in your life and heart the same things you hope and pray for others.

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ENG 20: Get to Know Our Presenters- Scot McKnight

At ENG 20 Reflecting the Son, you’ll experience a mixture of traditional plenary sessions and “TED”-type talks, along with workshop options in specific tracks around
theology, discipleship, leadership, and multiplication.   We’re excited that Scot McKnight is joining us as a featured speaker as we seek to recover Church in the image of Christ!

Dr. Scot McKnight is a world-renowned speaker, writer, professor and equipper of the Church. He is a recognized authority on the historical Jesus, early Christianity, and the New Testament. His blog, Jesus Creed, is a leading Christian blog. A sought after speaker, he has been interviewed on several radio and television programs as well as spoken at numerous local churches, conferences, colleges, and seminaries in the United States and around the world. Scot McKnight is a member of the Society of Biblical Literature and the Society for New Testament Studies.

For more info and registration on the Ecclesia National Gathering 2020, click here!

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Leader’s Profile: Matthew Shedden

Matthew Shedden grew up in the Chicago Suburbs and left at the age of 18 to attend Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO. There he met his wife Kelli, and finished a degree in history before moving to Seattle to attend the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology where he received an MDiv. They then moved to rural Oregon where he worked and learned as an associate pastor for 6 years.

When given the chance to move back to Colorado they jumped at the chance to lead Defiance Church. When he’s not working or reading at the church, you’ll find him on the river fly-fishing or on the slopes skiing and enjoying the wonderful area he, Kelli and their two kids live in.

How would you describe the area your church is in?

Rural (10,000)

How would you describe the journey of pastoring Defiance Church? What have been some of the milestones/different seasons?

Pastoring Defiance Church has been an exciting journey. After starting with 10 people and being given the charge to replant or reenergize the church we’ve tackled a lot of challenges. The congregation has been flexible and generous with new ideas and new life and we pray in continues into the future.

Looking back, what do you know now you wish you had known when you first started at Defiance?

I wish I had know how slow it would be, how small 10,000 people really is, and that the highs don’t last long and the lows should last shorter.

As you think about what you’ve been able to do so far in ministry there what are some things you have done/tried that have worked well?

We’ve worked hard at NOT trying a lot of things. Our goal has been to keep the structure and the work of church simple. I joke that our slogan could be “Church -(or worship) we believe it works. So that’s something that’s worked really well for us.

What hasn’t worked so well? What have you had to rethink/reimagine/rework?

I think many of the missional ideas and strategies haven’t worked well because they came as programs. Now I’m trying to get back the change in disposition to life over a set of programs.

What is one failure you experienced and what did you learn from it?

The biggest error I’ve made is trying to restart our leadership structure without a new structure in place. I’ve learned that as much as I take on the work of the church, I still need others around me.

What is something you’ve been hearing from or learning from God in this last season of leading?

Don’t go alone and take a breath to enjoy the view.

What do you dream/hope/pray Defiance Church looks like in five years?

I’ve long looked at our church as a well instead of a community pool. So instead of being big and wide with plenty going on, we pray and hope to be drawn deeper into the life of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

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How I Discerned The Call To Plant A New Church

Kevin and Brooke Fontenot were part of our October 2019 Genesis Church Planting Training in McCall, ID. Here is some of their story of being called to plant a church.

I always knew that I would plant a church. It was not a matter of if, it was a matter of when. Every time I thought about it, I figured it would probably be ten years away. All that began to change at the end of 2018.

Earlier in the year, I felt the Lord leading me to finish my bachelor’s degree. I’ll be completely honest, it was not something that I was excited about. I literally waited until the week before Fall 2018 classes began to register. I’ve always loved to learn and am a voracious reader, but have struggled with the constraints of a formal education. Yet, my decision to follow the leading of the Lord has led me down a path that was completely unexpected.

As I began to work through my classes, the Lord began speaking through the course material about church planting. It began to seem like something that was more real and a lot closer than I had ever expected. Instead of thinking about church planting as something that would happen in ten years, I began to consider it happening in the next couple of years based on how the Lord was leading.

Where To Go?

In October/November 2018, my wife Brooke and I decided to buy a house! At the time, we were renting an apartment in Carrollton, Texas where Brooke worked. We got a killer discount and knew that it was only temporary.
We began talking with our real estate agent about where in Denton we wanted to purchase a house and ended up touring three others within the next week. The home we ended up purchasing is in a fast growing area in town that is full of shopping, dining, and entertainment options that have all been added within the last few years.

We closed on our house mid-December and moved in after doing a little painting. That week was when our timeline for church planting really began to change. I began reading two books that struck me deeply The first was Richard Heitzenrater’s excellent book, Wesley and the People Called Methodists, and the second was Francis Chan’s book, Letters to the Church.

I wrote the following after reading through both books:
“Can the church be reformed from within? Our chief end cannot be numbers! We must produce quality disciples who spread the gospel of Jesus, root out sin in their lives, and are fully devoted to God. I feel God calling me to pursue this.”

This struck me so heavily that I took the next day to pray and fast as I sought the Lord for direction as I began to feel the weighty call of planting a church much sooner than expected. I began sketching out a model influenced by both John Wesley’s structure in the early days of methodism as well as a church in Houston called Church Project.

Over the next month, I was struck by what I felt the Lord calling me to do, but was still wrestling with the timing and the place. I knew that the Lord had birthed a vision in me, but I wasn’t exactly sure when and where that would happen.

In January 2019 is when I felt the Lord reveal that the reason we had moved back to Denton and that the reason we had purchased a house where we did was because he was calling us to plant a church in North Denton. So, I did what any faith-filled person would do… I started to do research on all the reasons we shouldn’t plant a church in Denton.

Getting Confirmation

As a data nerd, one of the first things that I did in my research was to find as much data as possible. What I found, was actually pretty shocking to me. The first piece of data that I came across was how much Denton had grown. In less than two decades, the population increased by about 70% from 80,537 in 2000 to over 136,000 in 2017. On average, our city added a net increase of 3,278 people per year in population.

While this was certainly compelling, it wasn’t enough to convince me that the Lord knew more than me. I began trying to uncover data related to the number of churches in town. As someone living in the Bible belt, there are seemingly innumerable churches all around. I was sure that I was going to find data showing that there are already enough churches in Denton.

Yet, what I found was that Denton ranks number 3,042 out of 3,143 counties/parishes in the United States for lowest ratios of churches to people. In other words, about 97% of all counties in the United States had a higher ratio than Denton.

Denton County averages 7 churches per 10,000 people, a statistic it shares with Providence, Rhode Island and Baltimore, Maryland. Interesting to note, Denton County does rank as one of the top 100 counties with most churches, which gives the perception of effectiveness, but is also one of the 50 largest counties by population.

Armed with this data, I recognized that the Lord did indeed know more than I did. By the end of January, I was 100% confident that God was calling us to plant in Denton and a sense that it would be within the next 18 months.

The next month and a half was spent having a lot of conversations with Brooke about what it would look like to church plant and praying through the nuts and bolts. In late February/early March we began to tell others about what the Lord was revealing and were very encouraged by the response. We were dreading a few conversations, but in every conversation we felt affirmed and encouraged in this calling.

On Easter, we publicly announced that we were planting City Church in Denton, Texas in early 2020.

Advice For Others

This is my story of sensing and confirming the Lord’s call to church planting. As I have read countless others stories, I recognize that most are different. You may be sensing the Lord’s calling and approach it completely differently than I did.

My biggest piece of advice is this: take it slow. It can be easy to want to run as fast as possible once you’ve sensed something from the Lord, but there is wisdom in going slowly and ensuring that what you are sensing is indeed from the Lord. God was faithful as we sought him to confirm what we were sensing.

Also, if there’s another piece of advice I could give it’s this: your calling doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. We’re planting a church in a way that is different than the way most are planted. We’re intentionally continuing to work full-time jobs. We’re not planning on a big initial launch. We’re not raising a huge launch budget. We’re simply following the Lord and allowing him to direct our steps. Consulting outside resources is great and I highly recommend it, but don’t get too caught up in how everyone else is doing something so much that you listen to their advice more than what the Lord is calling YOU to do. Only you can answer the question of, “Am I called to plant a church?”

If you have any questions/comments/prayer requests, feel free to email me at kevin@trainedup.org.

Also, if you’re interested in learning more about our church plant, head over to citychurchdenton.com.

(This article originally appeared at ServeHQ .)

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Leader’s Profile- Gary Alloway

Gary Alloway serves as the Pastor and Director of Mission for Redemption Church in Bristol, PA. Gary is an alumnus of Penn State and Princeton Theological Seminary.  He is passionate about seeing the healing love of Christ spread throughout the world.  He also loves indie rock, startup businesses, community ventures, and his family.


We recently had a chance to ask him a few questions!

How would you describe the area your church is in?

A post-industrial suburban small town.

How would you describe the journey of pastoring Redemption Church? What have been some of the milestones/different seasons?

When we first started, we were young, immature, and ambitious. 3 years in, we re-booted, spending the next 6 years in a house church model, which helped us develop depth, a culture of discipleship, patience, and a willingness to invest in small things, rather than try to conquer the world. House churches forced us to focus on relationships, both inside and outside the church. We re-launched our weekly gathering this past year with a whole network of local relationships to invite in, rather than just a good idea for a new ministry in Bristol.

Looking back, what do you know now you wish you had known when you first started Redemption?

I wish I had known how slow things would go. We planted in a dying post-industrial town and expected to see growth and change right away. If I had had a more realistic expectation for the pace of change, I would not have been as discouraged in the early years and would have spent more time rejoicing over the little victories along the way.

As you think about what you’ve been able to do so far in ministry there what are some things you have done/tried that have worked well?

Community partnerships. As a small church with a small budget, there are limitations on what we can do on our own. However, when we have partnered with both individuals and community organizations, we have been able to accomplish things far beyond our scope. We have helped launch a housing non-profit, a coffee shop, and a community festival. We have worked with local businesses to host Bible studies, storytelling nights, and discussion groups. Our resources and possibilities grow tremendously when we work with others rather than only within ourselves.

What hasn’t worked so well? What have you had to rethink/reimagine/rework?

One mistake was thinking that there would be dozens of people in Bristol who were excited about a new church. In our post-industrial, post-Christendom setting, nobody was excited that we showed up. People were interested in who we were and what kind of neighbors we would be, but not what we were offering on Sundays. It has forced us to think about how we do Monday through Saturday well, not just think about Monday through Saturday as a means to enlarge Sunday.

What is something you’ve been hearing from or learning from God in this last season of leading?

God continues to bring me back to the truth that it is all about discipleship. We can build a big church, but all that really matters to God is whether we are being shaped and formed to be like Christ. This the reason we exist. And if we invest in this, whether the church grows large or dies, we will be successful.

What do you dream/hope/pray Redemption looks like in five years?

I hope and pray that our church community is even more enmeshed in the life of Bristol. That we would be the salt and light not only on our main street, but in every neighborhood, on every street, in our schools, etc. I pray that even if we grow large, we wouldn’t lose sight of the fact that individuals matter to God. That we would love our neighbor, not as a concept, but instead, actually love our particular neighbor.