Equipper Blog

It’s never fun when people inform you that they’ve chosen to leave your church. It’s a hard reality to ponder that more people have left our church over the past 8 years than have stayed. Certainly, there are positive reasons people choose not to be a part of the church any more (a job transfer or a move out of state) and there are painful reasons (e.g. conflict in the church, not meshing with the philosophy of ministry, another church is more appealing to them or – pastors’ favorite one, “we’re just not being fed” — whatever that means).

Depending upon our personality types we may simply want to avoid a face-to-face conversation and “wish them well” from afar. Others feel the need to take a confrontational and maybe defensive posture that comes from being hurt, abandoned or betrayed.

Over the past few years our elders have tried to have a posture of a learner in these formats. Though we’ve done this imperfectly, we’ve purposefully tried to possess a “help us understand” posture of humble listening. Most often, we try to meet with them one-on-one (and, when not possible, over the phone or via email) in an “exit interview” type fashion in order to ask a few questions. To be clear, these meetings are never fun, always emotionally draining and give us clammy hands walking into them. We may not like they are leaving, but we believe we can learn things from them – and hopefully be able to thank them and to bless them as they go.

Here are four questions we ask in these “exit interview” type settings-Read More

 

 

 

 

 

 

-By J.R. Briggs

 

As pastors we have all experienced it.

We’ve studied, prayed and prepared a sermon all week – and now we’ve just gotten done preaching our heart out. As the service ends and people begin to leave, some look us in the eyes and say, “Nice job. Good sermon.”

“Thanks,” we say with a bit of timidity and an awkward grin.

But inside we think, Really? Do they mean it or are they just saying that? If so, I wonder what did they like about it?

The truth is we don’t think they’re downright lying to us, but we’re tempted to wonder is that the whole story – and how honest were they being – really?

Feedback, as they say, is the breakfast of champions. As a feedback junky myself, I want to improve and grow in communicating God’s Word to others. But over the years I’ve struggled with this drive-by encouragement on the way out the door. How am I to know what is legitimate feedback and when are people just being pleasant, kind, nervous – or maybe unsure what else to say but “good job”? I’ve learned to listen for five specific forms of feedback that are legitimate and credible:

(1) Specificity

When people give specific feedback to a sermon I see that they were really listening, careful to take in something of importance and then articulate that to me. Instead of “Nice job, pastor,” when I hear “You know, that second point you made about God’s patience with Israel reminded me of just how patient he is with me in my own life.” Or, “That verse you read – the one about being a living sacrifice – is going to impact the way I love my wife and kids this week. I haven’t been eager to do the simple things – change diapers, unload the dishwasher or pick up the toys on the floor after a long day. But I realized today that’s a part of what Paul is talking about.”

 

(2) Time passed

It’s easy to hear encouragement minutes after preaching, but I listen well when someone says, “Six months ago you taught on God’s goodness, even in times of suffering. I can’t get that concept out of my head. I think about it often and it encourages me when things are difficult.” The Spirit seems to have pierced their heart in such a way that it remains within them.

 

(3) People’s posture and body language

Outward appearance, of course, isn’t everything; but posture and body language can be beneficial and legitimate real-time feedback of what is happening to people internally. While we preach, we can look out and notice people to get a pulse of the room. Are people are leaning in and paying attention? Are people nodding or smiling? Were tears present during that story I told about my interaction with my neighbor? Are people leaning back with their arms crossed looking bored? Are people looking down, reading and re-reading – maybe underlining – something in their Bibles? Or – unfortunately – are people sleeping?

 

(4) The specific, intentional and solicited feedback of trustworthy people.

I’m a feedback junky. I always want to improve and grow. Part of my rhythm in teaching and preaching is to proactively seek out spiritually mature people who I know will be both honest and honoring with feedback a day or two after I’ve preached. I find that if I ask generic questions (“So, how was it?” I will always get generic answers (“It was good”). But if I ask more specific questions, (“How helpful was the opening story during the introduction?” or “If you could summarize my sermon in a thesis statement what would it be?”) I find I get very helpful and meaningful feedback. (I’ve even developed a one-page Teaching Feedback Form that I give to people and kindly ask them to fill it out and return it to me). At times what I hear is encouraging and affirming; other times it’s pointed areas that didn’t work and how I could improve upon them. Admittedly, sometimes some of the feedback stings, but from a trusted friend or congregant, I know they mean well and desire me to sharpen my gifts – and, for that, I am grateful.

 

(5) The Spirit’s affirmation.

Despite what people think, the most important affirmation we could ever receive is from the Holy Spirit. Ultimately, it’s not a popularity contest and we aren’t trying to tickle the ears of our people. We are trying to serve the Lord. So, in the quiet moments in our office before heading home or when we drive home in the car, what is the Lord whispering to us? Do we sense affirmation of faithfulness to the preparation, to our motivations and to the text throughout the week – and this morning? Do we sense the affirmation of our faithfulness to the opportunity to present God’s Word? Listen to these quiet moments of affirmation or correction from the Spirit. It’s ultimately this feedback that we should pay attention to the most.

 

Certainly, we want to thank and express our gratitude for those who offer brief encouragement as we leave our gatherings. But lean in and pay attention most notably to the feedback given in these five forms.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of the first things I talk to couples about as we sit down for pre-marital counseling is letting go of their ideals. Not necessarily their ideals about what marriage can be, but their ideal versions of each other. Most, but not all of us, approach dating and potential marriage with a list of things we’d like to see in a potential spouse. By the time we arrive at the doorstep of marriage, we usually have come to realize that the person we are marrying doesn’t look much like the list we had in our heads… but we’re excited nonetheless. We have found someone we like, love and want to spend the rest of our lives with and we’re happy to let go of all the things we thought we needed in a potential Mr. or Ms. Right.

But… there’s still some letting go to be done: the idealized version of the person we are marrying. No doubt during dating and engagement we have seen some foibles, some potential character issues. Yet we hold out the hope that this is the perfect person for us, that they stand head and shoulders above all other potential mates- we retain an idealized version of our future spouse in our hearts and minds.

Most marriages that break up do so because of one simple reason: the refusal to admit that we married a human being. When our idealized version of someone meets the actual, flesh and blood human we actually married, the disappointment, if not managed well, can be crushing. Satisfaction in life (and marriage) = expectations divided by reality. I tell people that the sooner they let go of the idealized version of their spouse, the sooner they can begin to appreciate the real flesh and blood human being in front of them.

This same dynamic that has the potential to ruin marriages also impacts our church lives deeply, both on the leadership and congregational side.

For leaders, there’s an often an unspoken feeling that ministry would be great if it weren’t for all the people. We have an ideal version of the church we’d like to pastor in our heads, or even an ideal version of the particular church we are already pastoring. And reality rarely ever meets those expectations. For this reason, too many leaders long to head to the other side of the fence where the grass is perceived to be greener, and fail to recognize the inherent beauty and strengths in their own current churches. For the record, a perpetually dissatisfied leader is a poor leader. Someone who cannot appreciate the individual people and the community God has given him or her will never be able to help those people grow beyond the very things that cause the dissatisfaction and frustration in the first place.

Letting go of the idealized version of our church means thanking God for the reality right in front of us, the strengths we see if we will just look and even the deficits we are tempted to overly focus on. After all, those deficits, be they an inward focus and lack of vision for mission, or a tendency to fight with each other, or a lack of generosity to the church and others are the very reason we are there. An algebra teacher doesn’t doesn’t complain when she finds her students don’t already know algebra, does she? Of course not- it’s her job to teach them. But a pastor lamenting the spiritual immaturity of his or her congregation is no different.

In the same way, we need to help our people to let go of their idealized versions of community and church as well. Firstly, because of the damage they will do to themselves with those idealized versions. Too many Christians are still looking for the “right church” while failing to realize they’ve been a part of plenty of them, but were unable to realize it because they could not see the beautiful reality right in front of them due to their focus on the ideal version against which they judged everything and everyone. And so on they go, first from one church to another, while their dissatisfaction grows. Failing to put to death our idealized versions of community almost inevitably ends up with us being community-less, because no church ever measures up. I’ve seen it happen more than once.

Secondly, the damage done to others by those who hold idealized versions of community in their heads is serious. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in Life Together

“He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial. God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly. He stands adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren.”

This too I have seen more than once- the one who has created an ideal version of Christian community in his head, who becomes increasingly frustrated with the reality and begins to act out of that frustration, accusing others of being less serious, less spiritual than he. What begins with a patronizing attitude, descends into outright contempt for those who fail to meet the visionary’s standards and ends with condemnation of the whole community. Much hurt is caused by folks as they walk down this path, not encouraging others with the lessons they believe they have learned but condemning them for not having already learned them.

The quicker we can help people realize that while our goal is to grow and mature as a community, and while we don’t want to ignore our obvious growth areas, we’ll never reach the kind of full maturity and perfection they long for, they better off we and they will be.

Examine your own heart as a leader- are you discouraged? Why? Do you wish God had called you to a different place or different people? Do you compare what you know of your own church community with what you think you know of others’? Stop it before you do damage to yourself and your church. Learn to appreciate the people and the community God has placed you in, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it is. God loves those people and that church- how can you do any less?

Then, help your people to understand that the journey to growth and maturity is a long one, and that the answer when we see problems in our community is not to find a new one, with a whole new set of problems, but rather to stay, root ourselves and work and pray for the benefit and growth of this beautiful mess of a community we find ourselves in.

• Bob Hyatt, Director of Equipping and Spiritual Formation