One Simple Key to Sane Church Planting: Let Go of Your Ideals
Bob Hyatt
January 26, 2017

One of the first things I talk to couples about as we sit down for pre-marital counseling is letting go of their ideals. Not necessarily their ideals about what marriage can be, but their ideal versions of each other. Most, but not all of us, approach dating and potential marriage with a list of things we’d like to see in a potential spouse. By the time we arrive at the doorstep of marriage, we usually have come to realize that the person we are marrying doesn’t look much like the list we had in our heads… but we’re excited nonetheless. We have found someone we like, love and want to spend the rest of our lives with and we’re happy to let go of all the things we thought we needed in a potential Mr. or Ms. Right.

But… there’s still some letting go to be done: the idealized version of the person we are marrying. No doubt during dating and engagement we have seen some foibles, some potential character issues. Yet we hold out the hope that this is the perfect person for us, that they stand head and shoulders above all other potential mates- we retain an idealized version of our future spouse in our hearts and minds.

Most marriages that break up do so because of one simple reason: the refusal to admit that we married a human being. When our idealized version of someone meets the actual, flesh and blood human we actually married, the disappointment, if not managed well, can be crushing. Satisfaction in life (and marriage) = expectations divided by reality. I tell people that the sooner they let go of the idealized version of their spouse, the sooner they can begin to appreciate the real flesh and blood human being in front of them.

This same dynamic that has the potential to ruin marriages also impacts our church lives deeply, both on the leadership and congregational side.

For leaders, there’s an often an unspoken feeling that ministry would be great if it weren’t for all the people. We have an ideal version of the church we’d like to pastor in our heads, or even an ideal version of the particular church we are already pastoring. And reality rarely ever meets those expectations. For this reason, too many leaders long to head to the other side of the fence where the grass is perceived to be greener, and fail to recognize the inherent beauty and strengths in their own current churches. For the record, a perpetually dissatisfied leader is a poor leader. Someone who cannot appreciate the individual people and the community God has given him or her will never be able to help those people grow beyond the very things that cause the dissatisfaction and frustration in the first place.

Letting go of the idealized version of our church means thanking God for the reality right in front of us, the strengths we see if we will just look and even the deficits we are tempted to overly focus on. After all, those deficits, be they an inward focus and lack of vision for mission, or a tendency to fight with each other, or a lack of generosity to the church and others are the very reason we are there. An algebra teacher doesn’t doesn’t complain when she finds her students don’t already know algebra, does she? Of course not- it’s her job to teach them. But a pastor lamenting the spiritual immaturity of his or her congregation is no different.

In the same way, we need to help our people to let go of their idealized versions of community and church as well. Firstly, because of the damage they will do to themselves with those idealized versions. Too many Christians are still looking for the “right church” while failing to realize they’ve been a part of plenty of them, but were unable to realize it because they could not see the beautiful reality right in front of them due to their focus on the ideal version against which they judged everything and everyone. And so on they go, first from one church to another, while their dissatisfaction grows. Failing to put to death our idealized versions of community almost inevitably ends up with us being community-less, because no church ever measures up. I’ve seen it happen more than once.

Secondly, the damage done to others by those who hold idealized versions of community in their heads is serious. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote in Life Together

“He who loves his dream of a community more than the Christian community itself becomes a destroyer of the latter, even though his personal intentions may be ever so honest and earnest and sacrificial. God hates visionary dreaming; it makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly. He stands adamant, a living reproach to all others in the circle of brethren.”

This too I have seen more than once- the one who has created an ideal version of Christian community in his head, who becomes increasingly frustrated with the reality and begins to act out of that frustration, accusing others of being less serious, less spiritual than he. What begins with a patronizing attitude, descends into outright contempt for those who fail to meet the visionary’s standards and ends with condemnation of the whole community. Much hurt is caused by folks as they walk down this path, not encouraging others with the lessons they believe they have learned but condemning them for not having already learned them.

The quicker we can help people realize that while our goal is to grow and mature as a community, and while we don’t want to ignore our obvious growth areas, we’ll never reach the kind of full maturity and perfection they long for, they better off we and they will be.

Examine your own heart as a leader- are you discouraged? Why? Do you wish God had called you to a different place or different people? Do you compare what you know of your own church community with what you think you know of others’? Stop it before you do damage to yourself and your church. Learn to appreciate the people and the community God has placed you in, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it is. God loves those people and that church- how can you do any less?

Then, help your people to understand that the journey to growth and maturity is a long one, and that the answer when we see problems in our community is not to find a new one, with a whole new set of problems, but rather to stay, root ourselves and work and pray for the benefit and growth of this beautiful mess of a community we find ourselves in.

  • Bob Hyatt, Director of Equipping and Spiritual Formation  bobblog

The Magic Power of Encouragement

By Bob Hyatt • January 17, 2025
When I graduated from college, I moved to Alaska and took a job teaching middle school- a job I had zero business doing. I want to give props to those of you who are teachers- it’s a fantastically important job, but also a ridiculously complex one. You must balance pedagogical skills, HOW to teach so others learn, with sociological ones, classroom management, and so much more. It was classroom management where my ineptitude really shone, though. I thought managing classrooms full of middle schoolers would be easy- just call them out when they do something wrong- make sure there are consequences in place, and the place will basically run itself. I learned that year that you cannot punish someone into good behavior. You more often just punish people into stealthier ways of misbehavior. It wasn’t until years later that the light bulb came on for me. I was volunteering in my son’s kindergarten class, and I assumed I was going to be walking into a zoo. Contrary to my expectations, Mr. Waters, the teacher, had that place running like a well-oiled machine. And the most surprising way was how he did it. He called for reading time when all the kids were supposed to get up from their tables and sit on the reading circle. He made this call and like two kids responded. Oh man, I thought- he’s lost the room! Nope. He just stood at the front of the class and said “I see Billy doing what I asked. I see Sienna doing what I asked.” And every time he said that another few kids would look up, leave what they were doing and rush to take their place. In about 30 seconds, he had them all sitting quietly around the circle. Blew. My. Mind. It seemed so simple once I saw it done, but I had never realized just how big a gap there was between trying to motivate with consequences and nagging versus motivating with encouragement. Which is funny, because as I thought about it, I realized my wife had been using this tactic on me for YEARS. I married a woman who liked to dance- swing dance, even. I grew up a Baptist, so… But whenever I would do a little two-step with her in the kitchen or just play-dance with her to music in the living room, she would go OVER THE TOP. “Bob, you are doing that really well! Bob, you’re a great dancer!” I totally knew I wasn’t, but… I sure liked to hear her say it, and so I’d do it more. So, here’s the rule: What you criticize me for, I may stop doing. I may also just try to hide it from you. But- What you praise and encourage me in, I will continue doing. The Apostle Paul was a master at this- just look at 1 Thess. 5:11- ”So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.” What is Paul doing here? Yes, he’s encouraging them to encourage each other by encouraging them for how they’ve already been encouraging one another! That’s a lot of encouraging. But he’s doing what he’s asking them to do- demonstrating how it works. I’m sure not everyone in the church of Thessalonica was good at encouraging others- but those who were doing it well were heartened by Paul’s words here, and those who weren’t yet, were… encouraged to be more encouraging. Paul uses the word “encourage” 7 times in 1st Thess. alone. This command to encourage each other is central in the NT. Hebrews 10:24-25 says this: Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near. Paul writes in 2 Cor. 13:11 “Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.” How long can you go on one compliment, or one word of encouragement? A few days? A week? Our words have so much power! I once had an orange t-shirt, that had a disturbingly deep V-neck. My co-pastor Dustin would laugh every time he saw me in it. But you know why I continued to wear it? Because it was literally the only shirt I ever owned that had been complimented by a woman I was not married or related to. A barista one time told me she really liked that shirt… So, what I’m saying is, you can get me to do just about anything, if you encourage me. BUT- With great power, comes great responsibility. Notice that these verses on encouragement come in the context of helping others become the followers of Jesus they could and were meant to be. “Encourage each other and build each up.” “Motivate one another to acts of love and good works. Encourage one another.” “Grow to maturity. Encourage each other.” There’s a growth mindset behind the biblical admonitions that we ought to encourage each other. The growth mindset says “I may not be good at this or have mastered it… yet. But if I keep trying…” Unfortunately, most of us get stuck in a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset says “I'm either good at something, or I’m not. So, I’ll give myself only to things where I can show I’m good. If I must work at it, it means I’m not good at it, or smart enough for it, so why try?” Studies have shown that encouragement has a positive effect on performance, while discouragement has a negative effect. Ok- that’s obvious. But… studies have also been done about how TYPES of encouragement affect performance. Encouraging effort, for example, has a positive effect on performance, while praising ABILITY has a negative effect. One study showed that when two groups of students were presented with difficult challenges 90% of the ones who had been praised for their effort embraced the difficult tasks- while the majority of those praised for their ability resisted tackling hard things. I probably don’t have to spell out the leadership lessons here. So, I’ll just leave you with this: I encourage you this season to be thinking about the people you work with and especially those who work under you. They are just as hungry for encouragement as you are. You have the power to give them not only what they need, but through that encouragement to spur them on to the personal and ministry growth you want to see in them. (By the way, while we’re talking about encouragement, if you need some this season, join us Feb 25-27th in Alexandria, VA for this year’s Ecclesia National Gathering . I guarantee you and your team will leave feeling encouraged, equipped, and empowered. And think about how encouraging YOUR presence would be to everyone else!)

Focusing the Gospel Around the Table is Still Important Today

By J.R. Briggs • November 26, 2024
“Food is just fuel for your body.” When the raw vegan enthusiast in my community said it I knew that wasn’t right. I thought of all the great meals shared with family and friends around tables for Thanksgivings, Christmas Eves, and Easter afternoons – among others. I recalled the verse: “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” And I realized that if this was God’s vision for food, then he would have designed our bodies with built-in IV ports where we would hook up pouches of food to our sides and let it drip in slowly to our bloodstreams. And Jesus wouldn’t have given us the greatest experiential metaphor of communion around the table in fellowship with others if it was merely physical and transactional in nature. I get his point: what we put into our bodies matters. Food is for much more than just physical energy. It’s also about connection, bonding, and relationship. Storytelling and laughing and crying and interacting. Like former U.S. President Ronald Reagan said, all great change in America begins at the dinner table. But I’ll offer a rejoinder: all great change – no matter the country – begins at the dinner table. The U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has declared loneliness as a public health crisis and an epidemic . 30 percent of adults say they feel lonely., with 10 percent reporting loneliness every day. 60 years ago the average dinner time was 90 minutes; today it’s less than 12. We are more connected to our devices and less connected to others. Almost twenty five years ago political scientist Robert Putnam wrote the popular book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community . Over the summer, the New York Times interviewed him , inquiring if he saw this crisis of loneliness coming. He stressed the idea of “social capital,” saying it comes in two forms: bonding and bridging. Bonding ties us to others like us and bridging ties us to people who are different from us. Meals together with others at tables have the transformative power to do both. They bond us to other people in our church; they bridge us to connect with others who aren’t yet connected to faith. As my next-door neighbor says when we’re trying to find a time to connect for a meal, “Everybody’s gotta eat.” Coffee tables, lunch tables, high top bar tables, card tables, dinner tables – all have the intent to bring us together with others over food and/or drink. It was Len Sweet who wrote in Tablet to Table that Jesus was killed for his table manner and his table company. Later he stated that the gospel message was Jesus eating good food with bad people. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find any gathering in the New Testament that didn’t involve some sort of table. And as Ian Simkins, lead pastor of teaching at The Bridge Church in Nashville, shared with me, the table is the centerpiece by which the gospel is expressed. The church has moved to prioritize the table by asking some key questions: What if we reclaimed the table? What if our tables weren’t for just feeding, but for forming? What if, at the table, foes became friends? What if, every time we sat down, we prayed, “at this table as it is in heaven”? What if we brought the gospel back to the table? These are the questions that must become front and center for the church in North America in the days ahead. In fact, you can view the church’s creative and compelling videos on Instagram here and here . Americans eat, on average, 21 meals a week. Think for a moment: how many meals did you share with others this week? How many meals did you eat alone this week? How many people did you share with those who weren’t your immediate family members? How many of those were with people who are not followers of Jesus? What if the greatest advancement of the gospel in the days ahead occurred not in our churches, but around tables?
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